Children were not on the agenda when Jessica married a fellow police officer. She was passionate about her career and had no plans to slow down.
But then came her son, and Jessica realized she could no longer put her life on the line and risk leaving him motherless.
So she quit.
after, she discovered her son had suffered a stroke in utero and would
need intense therapy. She was glad she had made the decision to stay
home before his condition could make that decision for her.
interviewed Jessica, now 40, four years ago when Brendon was her only
child. He is seven now and has a two-year-old sister, Adelyn. Before
becoming a stay-at-home mom Jessica, who lives in St. Louis, MO, worked
seven years police officer.
She was a social worker before that.
Though she earns no salary, Jessica spends her spare time advocating for the youngest stroke victims as a board member of International Alliance for Pediatric Stroke and through her own website, Brendon's Smile.
She is also excited to venture back into police work soon through her
former employer, teaching courses that help people develop plans of
action should active shooters enter public venues such as schools or businesses.
Here is Jessica's story, in her own words:
I loved it (police work), I really did. And when I
was pregnant, I kept saying I am going to have this baby and I’m going
to go back to work, and I’m going to retire from the police department
because this is what I do and what I love, and … I fell in love with
I think I was so
career-oriented at that time, that I thought, oh, eventually we’ll have
kids. My husband always said he wanted children, but he was like, ‘I’m
never going to step in the way of your career.’ He wanted to have kids,
but if it didn’t happen, it didn’t happen.
So Brendon was not in our plans.
course, now he is in the plans because he’s here. God put him here for a
reason. So it wasn’t like we went through trying to get pregnant or
anything. It was just one day, I was pregnant! Whoa! My husband was
ecstatic and I was in shock, and about 24 hours later the initial shock
wore off and it was like, ‘Okay. Baby mode.’
And it’s been Brendon mode ever since.
definitely thought I was going back to work. That was in the plans.
That was totally in the plans until, I guess, when I started getting
ready. I was home about a month or so and I thought, "I don’t know how
I’m going to go back."
said he knew I was not going to go back, but I wouldn’t admit it. And
so I did my 12 weeks where I had the family leave, where I got to stay
home, and then I took an absence, basically leave without pay. They
would hold, not my position, but I could come back as a commissioned
police officer and they could put me wherever they wanted.
And I just couldn’t do it.
I was like, there’s no way I’m going to go and risk my life when I have this life dependent upon me.
I would have worked in a non-risky job, or a career that wasn’t as
risky, I probably would have struggled even more with the decision
because it had been instilled in me that I should work by my father. My
mom was a stay-at-home mom for the most part, but I always remember my
dad thinking we could be better off if you have a dual-income family.
think I would have stayed at home no matter what—it doesn’t matter what
the career—but it was very easy to rationalize that I can’t put my life
on the line for anybody now that I have my child.
husband was like, "Why don’t you just quit? You’re hanging on. You’re
not going to go back. We’ve figured out for a year that we can live on
one income and we’ll just do the best we can."
other thing that was hard for me too was that when my husband and I got
married, I was 30. I’d been on my own—career, self-sufficient—and to
rely on somebody’s income was really hard for me. I don’t do that.
had the weird feeling I was going to be getting a free ride. And he
never makes me feel that way. Never. He’s always like. "It’s our living;
it’s our income; it’s our money." I think it was just, always … I think
that’s just how my dad was raised, his generation: I’m the man; I’m the
wage-earner; it’s my money. That type of thing. And my parents raised
me, my mother raised me, to be very independent, and it was instilled
that a woman who can get a job goes out and works and brings in,
contributes to the income.
a hard one, especially going from this woman who is in a career that is
so male-oriented and being quite successful at it. I have to say, I was
very well liked amongst my superiors and fellow workers. People were
shocked that a woman could go out and hold her own and do a good job in a
man’s career. That was really a huge self-esteem booster.
think women can do the job very well because they tend to talk things
through and rationalize. Whereas men are very testosterone-oriented and
just ready to go in and combat, women kind of rationalize and explain.
And I think I got things done very effectively. And of course being a
police office, it’s not always perfect and people aren’t always
But it was cool.
was really neat to be able to be effective and be good at it and be a
woman. And all of a sudden, here I am: a good reputation and I was
getting ready to possibly go into a bureau undercover, and you don’t do
that when you get pregnant.
You come off the street.
You don’t work the street anymore.
was saying, "I’ll go back," and then it was like, "Well, maybe I’ll go
back and be a school resource officer." And it was a huge switch. Here I
went from this woman who was always put-together and very well-kept—I
always had my nails done and my hair done—and, all of a sudden, here I
am this mother who is sleep-deprived.
I always enjoyed working out. Well, you don’t get to work out when
you’re nursing a newborn and are sleep-deprived. You get no time to
yourself, and it was a really big adjustment.
it wasn’t that I hated it or didn’t want to do it. It was just a huge,
total switch from what I was doing. Somewhere in that first year of
taking care of him and not going back to work I was like, "Gosh, I’m not
a police officer anymore. I’m nobody."
don’t think it was a police-officer thing, but an
I’m-not-making-a-difference-in-the-world type of thing. Well, come on,
you know how hormones are. And this is the best job, and the most
important job, and the hardest job I could ever do.
But the most rewarding job.
think I achieved a balance with that when I started getting sleep
again? He did not sleep for 15 months. It was agonizing. And then you’re
bringing in this whole other aspect of a child who had a stroke. I
realize we didn’t get his diagnosis until he was three days shy of
turning 19 months. So, honestly, that mode kicked in where I have to get
his needs met beyond what I thought I had to do.
There was another purpose.
wouldn’t say that it is typical, that most parents go through what
we’ve gone through. I mean, I know there are many people out there with
children with special needs and everybody has their own story. But that
was a huge eye-opener that, yeah, you are supposed to be home. You are
supposed to be taking care of this child, and now it’s mode of trying to
get treatment and place for him.
my job is running him to preschool or to therapy, and then picking him
up from preschool, and then going to do therapy, and then coming home
and doing whatever I do at home and getting him down for his nap and
then, if he’s not at therapy, then we’re going to the zoo or we’re doing
... but it’s fun, it’s a lot of fun.
I miss work every once in awhile. I do, but never enough to stop doing what I’m doing.
I won’t ever go back to it.
I don’t think it’s fair to him to have two parents doing that.
quite honestly, I really had to convince myself, or realize, that I
wouldn’t be as effective on the job because I was more apprehensive, and
I was afraid that I would put the guys I worked with on the street in
danger because, if I were having to go in and search a home or search a
building or something, I would always have it in the back of my head,
"Oh my God. What about my child?" I would be timid or not think fast on
my feet like I used be able to. And I didn’t want to put anybody that I
worked with in danger because I was nervous.
But I do miss it, and once a cop, always thinking war stories.
my husband comes home…like my husband came home this weekend and was
talking about something that he was doing, and I was like, "There he
goes telling the war stories," the silly things you do like running
through backyards and chasing after people (laughs) because police
officers love to talk.
When I run into
somebody that I used to work with, I’m like, "That was funny when we
did that," or "It was cool when we did this." So I do miss it here and
there, but this is just where I need to be and what I need to be doing.
I don’t want somebody else raising my son.
only going to need me to raise him for so long—for 18 years—and then
he’s going to need me, but in a very different way. And so I can always
get another job or find a new career or do something someday down the
road, but right now it’s just vital.
And the other thing we looked at too is my income.
were a lot of factors going into the decision, but ultimately it was
probably me doing this. My husband was like, "Quit your job. Just do
it." Why was I going to pay somebody over half of what I’m bringing in?
It just didn’t make sense to me. Why am I going to pay somebody to be
doing a job that I need to be doing? You just don’t bring in that much
of an extra income. And, do we really need to have a bigger house or
brand new cars? No. We don’t.
I didn’t grow up with all that, and I certainly don’t need it right now.
husband, he made a lot more than I did, but we cut our income more than
a third. So yes, definitely, you don’t have that luxury of, if your car
breaks down, you just fix it without worrying about where we’re going
to pull money from.
We certainly have to budget a lot more.
don’t get my nails done anymore. I don’t do the things I used to do to
pamper myself as a full-time working woman with no child. I don’t
splurge on myself, but that’s perfectly fine. We don’t really go out to
eat like we used to. Before Brendan and before the economy went
belly-up, I didn’t’ hesitate to go buy something if I really wanted it,
and you certainly don’t do that anymore.
And it doesn’t matter.
Here I am a mother of a child who has special needs.
He had a stroke.
people don’t hear about stroke in children. I think that they (friends
and family) respect my decision. Nobody judged me. My father, I don’t
think he thought bad of me or belittled me. I think it made sense to
them (her parents), especially with the career I was in. But then what
I’m doing…they see that it’s a full-time job not only taking care of a
child, raising a child, but then having to get them to that extra—how
many three-year-olds have hours upon hours of therapy every week, where
you’re driving here to there and going to doctors and doing all that?
Ultimately, if I would not have quit my job in the beginning, I would have had to.
is no way I could ever ask anybody to do all that I do for him, like
asking my parents to take him to his therapies or his doctors’ visits.
Nor would I want anybody to be in charge of all that. So, I think
because of that, I officially quit my job and then shortly thereafter we
were going from doctor to doctor trying to find the answers.
think it just happened so quickly. I think if Brendan wouldn’t have
needed therapies and wouldn’t have had the stroke, I think they would
have respected what I decided to do anyway. I think it made sense to
them. I think they felt it was probably a good decision.
husband certainly respects me no matter what I do. And I think he
appreciates what I do. I think he feels bad if I’m like, "Oh, I miss the
job." He’s like, "I understand." But I think maybe he admires how I am
with our son and what I’ve taken on. I know sometimes he’ll say, "I wish
I could do what you do." And I’m like, "Oh, you wish you could do what I
do?" (laughs) And he’s really happy to see that I can raise our son. I
don’t think he wants anybody else doing it.
there’s that extra aspect of, she’s the mother of my child and she’s
taking care of what needs to be taken care of at home and running the
household and taking care of all that. So I think he admires that. I
don’t think he respects me any more or any less. He always tells me that
I’m a very strong woman and that he admires me. So I don’t think it’s
A lot of it was me
having to overcome, "I’m not contributing financially." And I think
that’s where it came with my dad. My dad probably never said that, but I
always felt like you’re nobody unless you contribute financially.
think as I’ve gotten older I’ve matured and become less self-centered. I
think for me, personally, I’m a more attentive mother than what I would
have been if I was in my mid-twenties when I had him. But then
intuition may have kicked in or whatever.
I think I probably am a little more patient because the little things
don’t matter as much as the things that you get concerned about in your
young twenties or mid-twenties. But everybody matures at a different
rate. But I think I was pretty into me in my twenties.
I really do appreciate how it happened. I see some people in their
twenties having children and, sometimes, I think their child is kind of
an accessory to their life. And maybe they would look at me and say, why
do you make your child the center of your world? You’ve got to do
things for you. And as time goes on, I do things for me. And my husband
pushes me out the door, he’s like, "Give me some time with my boy and go
That’s another thing
I’ve started to do is evolve and reconnect with people, where I feel
confident enough to leave my son home and be away. I went to New York
City in November with a friend of mine for two nights. That was the
first time I’d ever been away. It was wonderful, and it was just enough.
So it was good. I still think I’m the same person. I’m just more
mature. So maybe that intuition would have kicked in, but I think I
probably would have been a little more self-centered, or at least not as
patient, in my twenties as I am in my thirties.
probably would have gone right back to work. I think, in my 20s, that
would have been a big thing. I think self-esteem wise I needed my
career, because it really helped me. When I graduated college and got my
first real job, it really made me feel like I was contributing to
society, which is funny because I contribute to society as a mother and I
see it. But I think back then it was something I really needed—to be
going to work, feeling like I had a purpose, getting a paycheck and
being independent. It was, "I can do this on my own." I think if I would
have had him in my mid-twenties I would have gone right back to work.
And now in my thirties, you know, I can always get a job if I need one.
The rewards for me?
get to see the world through my son’s eyes, and he has really taught
me…he is an incredible teacher. He has really taught me to slow down and
appreciate little things that I overlooked so many times, so many
years, every day.
Like we just got
back from Florida, and the things that I stopped to learn for him. Bat
houses. Did you know that a bat house can contain up to 300 bats? Can
eat up to 1,000 mosquitoes in a night? And that they have their own
nature preserves? And that a lot of times Boy Scouts will build them for
their Boy Scout projects? An average bat will eat over 1,000 mosquitoes
a night. And they have 300 bats, so you’re talking 300,000 mosquitoes
in a night.
So I’m thinking maybe we should get a bat house.
would have never taken the time to stop and read what that thing was in
the tree if my son wouldn’t have pointed up and looked at it and said,
"What’s that mommy?" So how cool is that, that I get to know that? So I
think he is just an incredible teacher. He doesn’t sweat the small
stuff, but he enjoys it. I also learned that I can’t ever get anywhere
on time with him because we’re always stopping and looking at everything
and talking about it. He makes me think a lot. He’s in that phase of ,
"Why, why, why?" and I don’t know! I never thought about it!
think for our family it’s a really good thing because we have a really
good sense of family. We are together a lot. When my husband isn’t
working, we eat meals together. We sit down. We talk. And we’re
struggling with him right now because he wants to not sit still. He’s
pulling the I’m-not-hungry bit and we’re like, we don’t care if you’re
hungry. You’re going to sit with your family and eat or at least sit
So I think it really helps keep us kind of a family unit.
We really think about each other.
almost wonder if we were so busy crossing paths because I was going out
on my shift or I was going to work and it was rush, rush to get here or
there, that we might almost have lost sight of each other and what
we’re really doing here. Family is more important than anything. I
really don’t’ think we would have had that if I’d have gone back to
work. Certainly, we could have made it happen, but I think we would have
just lost sight of that.
I have a dear friend who would love to stay home and they just, financially, couldn’t do it.
And I understand that.
think I would tell moms that this is the only time in your child’s life
that you’re going to have this and in your life that you’re going to
You can’t go back and get this.
heard a lot of people who have gone back to work, who have older
children, say, "I regret going back to work." I remember hearing that a
lot when I was trying to make the decision—that you can never turn
around and go back and get that time that you lost with them. So I would
have them think really hard about what’s important. Is it your
self-esteem, or your independence?
Because you can get that back.
think who you want raising your child and who you want to be there when
your child needs somebody. Do you want it to be you or do you want it
to be a grandparent or do you want it to be a daycare provider?
I’ve also learned in my thirty-six years that everybody has their own
opinion and that no opinion is right. But, in my world, I don’t want
anybody else doing that for my son, and my husband doesn’t want anyone
else doing that except for him or me. I would tell them you can always
get that job or get that career, but you can’t ever get that time back
with your child.
Having Brendon has
really slowed me down, like I said, and he’s taught me so much about how
to just enjoy every second. And like I said too, we have that extra
aspect of a child who had a stroke, who has therapies and special needs.
That’s really put things in perspective for me too, because I wonder if
I would have taken for granted his ability to walk and talk if he
hadn’t had to work so hard to do it.
I try to tell people—because every child is a miracle, and everything
that a child learns is just amazing. I knew that about him before I knew
that he had a stroke and had a disability, but something about him … I
don’t know if it’s because I became a mother and I don’t have another
child to compare, but I really do appreciate what he’s capable of doing.
also appreciate what other people are capable of doing, what other
children are capable of doing. Even with having everything intact, and
not having had a stroke, it really is a miracle. So he’s taught me a lot
and, like I said before, if I wouldn’t have made that initial decision
to stay at home, I would have been forced into it later on down the
I’m actually really grateful
that I did make the decision before because then that was my decision,
and it wasn’t something I was forced into. Do people resent that? I
don’t think I—I never would resent my son. He’s just incredible and he
didn’t ask to come into this world, and I owe it to him to give him the